Your Nose Knows

Out in the world you may hear the phrase "A nose for the news" or something to that effect. It usually means trust your intuition. You could put "Your nose to the grindstone" and that means focus and get to work!

For the better part of the summer my Nose has been useless. Not only has it not been working but it has been hemmorhaging sometimes 3 times a day. I wake up in the middle of the night with hour long nosebleeds. I might get one in the middle of the day or in the early evening. Between August 17th and September I had 3 cauterizations - one visit to the Emergency Room and saw 3 different specialists. Add a new primary - a cardiologist (in case it was blood pressure related) and hours spent with splints, ice, nasal spray and gels.

The ATM machine ate my card yesterday as I was about to make a desperate deposit to cover my mortgage; I was on my way to see a Chiropractor because my back went out (do we see some stress related problems here?). The townhouse association gave me a week to get my tree trimmed - and because it is a palm tree not every trimmer wants to do this for any amount of money.

I mention all of this because when things are going badly at the Bridge Table (and I am a bridge player) they tell you it is time to pull in your horns and be cautious. Every risk will end in disaster. Eat Oatmeal!

My yard flooded in the middle of the night because of an irrigation hose gone bad -i called my landscaper and he told me what to do at 3:15 am this morning. He didn't complain - Stuff just keeps happening; if it isn't a nose bleed while I am sleeping it is a garden hose. I am not taking risks I am barely able to leave my bed.

So as it happens I remember a chinese fortune teller saying 2007 would be a good year, at least I think that was what he said. So I will be hopeful, but this doesn't bode well for Penn State vs Ohio State this afternoon.

Literary Meme

One Book that Changed My Life

That is very difficult for me since I've lived twice as long as everyone else.
I guess I would say Look Homeward Angel by Thomas Wolfe. It was a long
uneasy autobiographical book with a tremendous amount of Angst. It was an achievement to finish it. It wasn't until later talking to my college professor that I discovered the hypocracy and torture of this book. Thomas Wolfe was an anti-semite (perhaps another Mel Gibson) but had a long standing affair (20 years at least) with a married Jewish woman he first met as a shipboard romance.

One Book I've read More than Once.

There have been quite a few of those(mostly when I was younger;Louisa May Alcott's Little Women and Little Men for starters. In my middle years would be Jane Austen's Persuasion. It was a book that provided solace for me (almost like a 12-step inspirational book). The protagonist had suffered tremendously by allowing herself to be guided and swayed by the opinions of others. By standing by her principles and being the "wind beneath the wings" for those around her eventually had her virtue rewarded.

One Book I would want on a Desert Island.

That is really easy and no contest. The Complete Works of Jane Austen. The Complete Works of the Bronte Sisters not far behind. These books are like comfort food for me. They draw you into to another time but the characters are full blooded and real. They exhibit the frailties, foibles and strengths we all have or wish we had. It was a simpler time with interaction that wasn't computer generated and allowed for civility and constancy.

One Book that made me Laugh

I don't remember the essays at all anymore. I know I laughed hard and loud at the first. That would be Nora Ephron's book of essays called Crazy Salad. I had no trouble recalling the title. There was also a great book
about the Philadelphia Phillies and being a sports fan. That was True Believers by Joe Queenan. It is truly amazing how he chronicles the amount of time he has spent watching teams he loved (7 years) and teams he hated (4 years), time spent arguing sports (3 years) and time spent on eating, theater and laundry (1 year). His superstitions are also discussed -moving items, changing clothes , etc. You don't need to be a Philadelphia sports fan to identify but it helps.


One Book that made you Cry

Many many books about the Holocaust. What comes to mind is The Diary of Anne Frank, also I read 3 books about the Empress Josephine and sobbed like a baby at the end of the third The Last Grand Dance on Earth. This book really touched my heart so strongly. What an amazing woman she was and like my Jane Austen heroines so astute and self sacrificing. It would seem the women of the past shackled by society but with such grit and determination were able to achieve so much and be such an inspiration to future generations.

One Book you wish you had written

The Brothers Karamazov by Dostoeyevsky the characters are amazingly drawn and there are so many levels to the book. At any time in your life you could pick it up and identify with any of the three brothers Ivan for his cold intelligence, Alyosha the sensitive Priest and the brother we start with the impulsive Dmitri who is the central figure. The illegitimate brother Smerdyakov is begot by the rape of an idiot servant girl and I doubt anyone could identify with him. I went through a long period of reading Tolstoy, Turgenev and all of Solzhenitsyn. I would recommend Russian literature to anyone who loves reading.

One Book I wish had never been written

Probably Mein Kampf by Adolf Hitler.

One Book I am currently reading

three I can't seem to push myself with - The Kite Runner, the latest Harry Potter, and Angels & Demons.

One Book I have been Meaning to Read

The Secret Life of Bees

Tour de Chance

This blog was supposed to be about the Tour de France and then some other thoughts leaked in. So I will go first with the Tour and then branch out a bit. I love this tour. It is democratic and everyday brings new challenges and new excitement. Cyclists you never heard of representing Russia, the Ukraine on teams that had taken a second fiddle to Discovery for 7 years have suddenly stepped forward. Lance's retirement and Doping have removed key players and it is a free for all every single day. No team is controlling the break(s) or jersey and everyone seems nicer. It has become clear that without Lance there is not the same "will to win" or leadership on Discovery. Without Jan, and Ivan, and Valverde the other teams have risen and blossomed; like Rabobank making you wonder if what is being revealed is a level playing field sans drugs.

Insert - I now digress. I was driving to work on Friday and 3 teenage girls were pushing a car into Circle K (apparent car trouble) the two who were actually pushing were celebrity thin in shorts - the chunkier one of course apparently owned the car and so was steering. My thought (why is it that it is always the girl with the big ass that owns the car?

Back to something that actually belongs with the tour blog. It is refreshing that I don't have to pay Espn Insider or Rivals or Scout for News of the Tour. It is FREE! like Sports News used to be and should be. The Media creates an appetite for news. Without their McDonald's like marketing most of us would ignore Paris Hilton, and Angelina & not get worked up into a frenzy about something we don't care about; what is Politically Correct without Media Push? So Viva la France and Viva la Tour!

I wish Journalism was a bit more honorable but I think I will take that thought and just say Goodnight and Goodluck and save it for another post.

Driving School

I am a confirmed old speeder and likely to remain so. After all, Pickering - hmm oops got caught in my rewrite of a My Fair Lady song. This the tale of the dreaded 7 hours of a Saturday spent with strangers for having too heavy a foot in the wrong "zone." For the approximately 35 people trapped yesterday I think they all came away with the "this wasn't as bad as I expected" feeling. It was an amazingly interesting group with one thing in common; we had all been trapped in the Pilot Program in Scottsdale Arizona by cameras. No motorcycle cop stopped us- we were not in our home city - and had no idea until days later we had done anything wrong. We were innocently driving the 101 loop around the city (Phoenix) - mine was on the way to a Sunday Brunch, happy to be going to what would be a great gourmet experience.

Jeff who sat behind me got two - One going North and the other going South on the same road. The lady next to him got two just a couple of miles apart on the same day going in one direction. Whew!! made me feel lucky that I only got the one.

Yesterday was great from the time our teacher said his name was Montoya ( I kept thinking of Princess Bride and who in the class might have killed his father) til the end when we were released.

There were really good audio visual aids. I sat next to a woman who was publishing a book on Travel, and another who's son-in-law was a pitcher for the Sidewinders. Both had recently moved to Tucson from more intelligent places on the planet. The conversation was lively. Three people were actually told to reschedule when they came back very late from lunch (they probably killed Montoya's father).

There were of course a few who should have been wearing signs that said "Just Stupid." One guy I am sure will be divorced by the time he gets his next ticket. He wanted to know why they pinned this on him when the car was jointly owned by him and his wife; just because it was his picture on the camera. He gets the "just stupid" and the "no loyalty to spouse" awards in the same day and Oh he has to reschedule.

So for me the strangers I met were a whole lot more interesting than the people I know in Tucson, so the day was not lost. And oh yes the residual effect is that I will drive slower and wear my seatbelt. So I guess it was a day well spent.

Abusive Doctors

Doctors like Priests and Lawyers are given not only our sacred trust but the most intimate secrets of our being; our personal medical mysteries and secrets. While the discovery channel has us look in high esteem at these self effacing, brilliant, charitable Doctors who defy all odds to make medical miracles happen the reality check of real life is that many are found wanting, and are the antithesis of what Physicians should be.

Have you ever been afraid of your doctor or felt side-swiped by their lack of compassion and understanding? Today I ventured hopefully through the doors of my *new gynecologist's office for the first time; I will not pass that way again. While I arrived early it was not early enough. She sat down next to me 40 mins past my scheduled time and told me because I had not come the full 15 mins early she required, she had let the next patient (scheduled a half hour after me) see her first.

I am 60 years old. I do not need to be punished by my doctor for breaking her 15 min rule.

She proceeded to take my medical history. I have had a Hysterectomy (no ovaries- no estrogen); I was on Hormone Replacement Therapy until Breast Cancer made me ineligible for continuing with it.

I mention that only because, with her less than delicate examination, when she drew blood, it was my fault for being estrogenless.

She was haughty and cold and truly eligible for that 4 letter word nice people don't use when talking about women. She made me ponder my relationship with Female Doctors of which I have now had five. I can truly say though I have been a feminist since the '70's, I have only had one female doctor I would not only recommend, but praise.

The others have been cold, lacking that humane loving bedside manner and unable to communicate any feeling of compassion. In their desire to be as efficient and as tough as their male counterparts they seem to have lost the tenderness and nurturing that should be part of their makeup.

They certainly don't seem to see a difference between a healthy person needing a firm hand and a person who goes in and out the revolving door of doctor's offices because of a myriad of issues, who needs a gentle touch.

I do; and I shall NOT be choosing another female doctor.

Phans

As long as I can remember I have been the epitome of a loyal, diehard, emotionally invested fan. From the age of 5 I was going to ball games with my parents and watching those phabulous philadelphia phillies - then known as the whiz kids. One of the players owned a bowling alley and we went there - I could name them all back then - Stan Lopata - Robin Roberts - Richie Ashburn - I think all of the players were white. Costa Rica and Puerto Rico and the Negro League were not even whispered in hushed tones. I think their second baseman was involved in a minor sexual scandal with a 13 year old girl (he was probably from Arkansas where they didnt know any better anyway). But no one really talked about it. You went to Connie Mack Stadium and you kept score. Not in a magazine but in one of those fold over cards with one of those awful stubby yellow pencils; and everyone really paid close attention cause this was important stuff.

And you grew up and the phillies pholded in September like Phil Mickelson did in the Open last Sunday - a phenomenal implosion that is still talked about and compared to the biggest chokes ever. But they were tired and the pitchers had no relief and Gene Mauch did the best he could.

And you moved away and there was no internet and no one in Chicago cared about the Phillies except you. And you couldn't become emotionally invested in the Cubs because the Phillies were already sucking the life blood out of you. Always giving you hope and then dropping you from the skyscraper of dreams into some horrible huge crash onto pavement; to be pitied for once more believing in them. Mike Schmidt came to Wrigley and smashed 4 home runs in one day and you wondered at this "superman" (gee i hope he didn't take steroids and hgh) and they gave you Kruk and Daulton and Dykstra and all was great cause now everyone loved the Phillies just like you.

Back to the Abyss and roller coaster ride and all the players who hated playing there or wouldn't even go there starting with Curt Flood and JD Drew; Rolen couldnt get out of town fast enough....They knew. Phillies and their Phans were in Sports Purgatory.

Finally, in my late 50's I had to give them up. They were going to kill me - emotionally I was vanquished. I divorced them and though I listen to them on the internet and I follow their exploits I can't invest - not like I used to.

I turned my attention totally back to college sports and just as I was now going overboard in my emotional investment in Penn State Football; Joe Paterno forgot how to recruit or coach and I thought I would die. That was the one area where we could be cocky - sitting on the top of the College Football Sports world was "our entitlement" because Joe did it right. He recruited only good kids, who studied and never had sex, never committed crimes and always showed respect for their elders. Then it all imploded at once. Bad Kids - lousy recruits - - kids in trouble - and we couldn't beat Michigan. When we couldn't beat Northwestern - when we could only get 2 safeties against Iowa. I thought death could not come soon enough. I had been reduced to being worried about Akron. Temple played us tough. We lost to a MAC school. Where would the humiliation end?

There was this glorious resurgence in 2005 at Penn State. The season flew by. Every game, except one, turned out right for the guys in the white helmets. I do have my beloved Nittany Lions who even in the worst of times are the epitome of sportsmanship. I now follow every NFL team that has a Penn State Player; Sundays are fun with out any emotional drain. Ah! The pure Joie d' Athletic.

Now I thought, with a new coach in Philadelphia maybe I could turn my attention back to the Phillies. Nope. It is always something. They have the bats but no pitching. They have the pitchers but they are all on the disabled list. They lose leads and turn slaughters into nail biters. I see now it isnt about the Sundays; it isn't about the Saturdays. The Phan thing that started it all will always be about those dysfunctional phillies and my emotional investment and the Sports Baggage I carry with me.

Grown Up Guilt

When you are small, meaning a non-adult; pushed around child - Guilt is thrust upon you. Those starving people in Africa (the non-dieters). You take on - all the "what have I done to deserve this stuff?"If your father only knew - I think Guilt is especially dealt by Moms, don't you? You arrive at adulthood and you do all the wrong things, but you can't admit that.... Cause YOU're the MOM. But you feel it. Deep Down you know. You weren't there for their first basketball game, or any subsequent game. You were too busy dealing with the Karma of a horrible job, or a really bad marriage. You needed to escape and there weren't anymore pieces of you left to give away - YOU were drained - devoid - in your thirties being the super mom - who worked and cleaned and cooked - and got little love or attention - you were supposed to vanish in thin air. The MOM MYSTIQUE.

And then you are fifty - the marriage is over - you have changed jobs - you have moved and given up the hobby that took you away from the misery (whether it was bridge or volleyball or a raucous affair)

And you feel that gnawing GROWN UP GUILT and you need to make it up to the kids. Forget the husbands it was always all their fault right from the GET GO. Their fault you went through labor and got fat and made you feel undesirable and didn't earn enough so you had to work and do everything.

So now you are Guilt ridden and think can I fill up their weekends and be all things and everywhere? Can I help them clean and take them to dinner and anything else because I have this Guilt and Maybe just Maybe if I am all that self sacrificing Mom to them now they will forget I wasn't there when they were little.

Nah it ain't gonna happen. You are lucky if they like you. It would take special dispensation from somewhere not of this world, to get rid of that Grown UP Guilt.

Intellectual Curiosity

So I don't know what turns techno teens on - I doubt any of them (being all A.D.& D. and on Ritalin) could sit still long enough to read the encyclopedia. I know when I was young I had lots of friends who spent half their free time looking obscure things up and knowing stuff no 12 year old in their right mind would know.

I for one, did my 8th grade science presentation on lobotomies because I had read my brother's college psychology text book and found it fascinating. But I digress from the real motivation for this blog.

I got suckered in by the DNA hype i was reading about on CNN, and in the Newspapers - and about the National Geographic Genographic project. I needed to be the first person on my block to DNA swab so I could tell my family where we went Out of Africa - what route we took - and who were in our Haplogroup.

I was driven. I did it - I got the kit - was assigned a number - did the swab thing and checked on the Internet Daily for my Results. I read the FAQ's and was delighted I hadn't been sent back from DNA analysis all the way back to batch control. I was patient and conscientious about the project. Friday I got my results.

MY DNA never got out of Africa. I this red-haired pale freckled white woman had the DNA of African Americans - My starting point was the Bantu's in East Africa. I do not know if it is fashionable to be a member of the L2 Haplogroup and the fact that we never got out of Africa doesn't surprise me as I move very slowly.

They are so vague and the universality of being an L2 haplogroup leads me to believe midgets in Cambodia have my DNA so there you go another Diana Ross wannabe hiding in a Nitzberg body.

So when I found this out on Friday just before I left work my first thought was (since this group is indicative of African Americans) that I should start walking up to Black Women - call them sisters and tell them I was a Bantu and hope they didn't call 911 and try to have me committed. But instead I turned to one of the white women on my team and said I am just gonna get my black ass out of here - have a great weekend.

Daughters Leave

I missed the whole mother daughter thing when I was growing up. My sister was able to achieve having that relationship with our mother and our stepmother - I left. I left my mother's side psychologically early... hmmm maybe not so early but the leaving was inevitable and reinforced over and over and over.

My mother left when I was 15 - she really left my sister and dad - they cried. I was relieved. I didn't have to be reminded again and again daily - that I was not the preferred one.

It doesn't matter anymore - Mom left my life or the worldly life 14 years ago. But she invaded my spirit and possessed my soul - haunted me with the unfinished stuff of relationships.

Amazingly my sister who had lived a happy mother and daughter life had two sons. I of course was forced to renew a different hell with a recalcitrant, analytical independent daughter.

Which brings me almost to the incredible stuff of the title. She also left me psychologically very early on- our relationship for twenty years was like the blackboard and chalk; like cinderella's stepsisters we grated and screeched and wriggled uncomfortably together....

then out of the blue, when I finally had serenity and peace in my life - she announced she wanted to live with me. At my insistence - we had to get all the shards and puzzle pieces out of the box and lock ourselves in a quiet place to have one of those relationship epiphanies and we did.

And for eleven years I had that glorious mother daughter thing - we shopped and ate lunch and did our nails and had dinner ... we chatted about the day and yesterday and tomorrow

Daughters leave - and she did. She is in Virginia and I am in Tucson and all those cities have in common is that T & V are letters at the end of the alphabet.

There is a good piece that goes here - psychologically we are melded like the pinochle couple so the Daughter Left but it is only miles that divide us.