The truth behind why the D.A.R. doesn't want Jewish members.

The thought for this Blog came on my way to work today. I was ruminating on my most recent blog about weaving. I decided this weaving / craft ineptitude goes far deeper than my own klutziness. It starts with the search for Divine Shiksahood. This is not possible.

Just like Dr. Laura could not get into the inner sanctum of the “tribe” when she tried to convert; we recognized not only was she not smart enough, but she couldn’t acquire the needed DNA “J gene.” And there you have it. The “J gene.”

This gene renders it impossible for the pure Jewish girl to be built like Anita Ekburg, have the sensuality of Elizabeth Taylor in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof,” or the naivete of a Marilyn Monroe. She will never be a track star; Run?! Are you kidding me? And then it comes to crafts. How can she sit still and embroider for 6 months – no spas, no shoe sales, and all those divine lunches out.

Do Jewish girls win the Pillsbury Bake Off? Climb the Grand Canyon without the aide of something approaching an East Indian palanquin? NO! and they certainly wouldn’t have been there sewing away with Betsy and the girls to make a flag that would be continually evolving – meaning more sewing.

So while we can wail and moan at our exclusion; we must come to realize it isn’t our religion, but our culture. There is no such thing as a kosher tea party. Let them eat matzoh!

Weaving does not loom in my future!

So today we tried to turn back time - not so far back as Rapunzel and the spinning wheel but slightly more current. We went to the Yarn store for a try at Weaving.
This looks fairly simple - especially if you remember the small potholders you made in Girl Scouts or the knitting badges that required yarn and patience and feeling very Betsy Ross.

The easy part I thought would be picking out the yarn but there were a lot of choices and wool was suggested, but Spring in Tucson is like Hell in the afterlife; so wool sounded all wrong. Then we were told some was for the warp and some for the weave. There were lots of specialty words to identify weird tools and math problems to figure out if you wanted something this long and this wide multiply it by yards (in inches) and be sure to add 24 inches for wastage (especially for a shawl). Like beading, I am told this is addictive; but only if you catch on without breaking things, shredding your yarn, or collapsing the loom.

I fell behind during the preparatory part where you were just getting the warp started. The teacher was patient and kind but I required my own personal aide to get through the initial stage. I couldn't get my yarn through the small hole with this tool (and I wasn't even sure I was choosing the correct strand). The teacher kept saying "this isn't right, but it probably won't matter in the end."

So I did work for a little while on the loom, which was fairly small but then got terribly hungry - so I left. I know it will be waiting there, and I will go back, after all I paid for the yarn. I'm sure I can't be the only one that sees this as a new form of self-abuse (where you get to fail in the company of others - doing something that requires little or no intelligence) all the while feeling like a clumsy oaf. To make matters worse I think I forgot to use my discount card.